


but i am just a broken machine

by itjustcantbe



Category: Sorted (Website) RPF
Genre: Fluff, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Softness that shldnt b surprising given who i am, hh theres too much in here for me to know what to tag, recovering from bad relationships, there are some original characters but they dont matter, uh?, under negotiated kink mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 13:25:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18250754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itjustcantbe/pseuds/itjustcantbe
Summary: “Why on earth would you think that I want Ben? I’m literally hooking up with you right now.”Jamie’s incredulous voice seems to concern Barry, he rocks backwards so he’s half sitting down half kneeling, still looking up at Jamie.“I’m sorry, Jay,” he says. “I just figured you two could have had something, or you mighta had something for him or whatever.”“Why would you assume that?”Any action that was going to happen is clearly stopped, and Jamie’s face is still incredulous, confused, but also with a trace of concern that Barry feels completely unprepared for and undeserving of."I guess it’s what I’m used to?" Barry replies with a shrug.





	but i am just a broken machine

Barry’s been single for a few odd months when Jamie asks him out. Not to say he hasn’t had a hookup here and there, relieving tension at the end of a rough work week, or going on a date that hasn’t gone anywhere, but in terms of anything committed, it’s been a while. Not that that calms Jamie’s nerves any. Asking a friend on a date? A hard thing to get the guts up to do, especially when it’s a friend you’ll have to see at work every day whether he says yes or no. It’s Mike who reassures him, promises Jamie that a few months is fine for going on a date after coming out of a relationship, that Barry can always say no, that Jamie needs to seize the day. Mike also assures him that he’ll be irresistible to Barry, which earns an awkward laugh from Jamie, no matter how serious Mike was being.

It’s the end of a shooting day when Jamie approaches Barry. It’s his best shot he figures; the others have all expressed enough that they’re too exhausted to do anything, so Barry will know it’s just the two of them. Mike gives Jamie a cheeky smile and a thumbs up as he crosses the studio towards Barry’s desk.

“Hey Baz,” Jamie says, his tone forced casual. Barry takes his headphones off, his computer in the process of turning off.

“Oh, yeah Jay?”

“So. No pressure or anything and all that, but I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink tonight?”

Barry pauses, and Jamie can almost see the cogs turning in his brain through his eyes. Jamie doesn’t bother keeping the smile from his face when Barry nods.

“Sure,” he says. “Just let me finish packing up my stuff?”

Jamie nods. “I have to put some stuff away anyway, let me know when you’re done?”

“Will do,” Barry says with a smile.

Jamie can’t tell if the over the top thumbs up Mike gives him (that no one else sees, thank God) is sarcastic, and he doesn’t care enough to heckle him about it.

* * *

 

_“Hey, can I buy you a drink?” Barry looks up from his mostly empty glass at the man in front of him._

_“You wanna talk?”_

_“I was hoping for a bit more than that, but we’ll see where it goes.”_

_A smile comes to Barry’s face. Since his break up he’s become even more interested in one night stands, and a guy who doesn’t even bother asking his name, that’s something he knows how to do well._

_They go back to his house quickly, Barry pleading with him to hurry up as he slowly stretches Barry open. He fucks Barry from behind, one hand on Barry’s hip and the other jerking him off, and he comes with a groan of someone else’s name._

_“Sorry,” he says blankly._

_“Don’t worry,” Barry says, smile still on his face. “Glad I could help.”_

_There’s an awkward few moments between them, no small talk that either of them can be bothered to make as Barry dresses again - neither of them are kidding themselves into thinking that he’ll stay the night. As Barry walks back to his own house, he has to bite back a laugh at the fact that he knows the name of whoever he was supposed to be for the night, but not who he had been with._

_It became normal for him, Barry embracing the feeling of being wanted, even if it was just for a night. He rode guys who just wanted to see how loud they could get him, and he let guys grab him by his hair, fucking his mouth and leaving his face a mess of spit and come. It was a point of pride, Barry tried to convince himself, to be so good at being wanted, to be able to fill whatever role people wanted from him. Some nights it came more naturally than others, living as though he was playing a part, and other nights he just told himself that they deserved what they wanted, or as close to, and if he was as close as they could get, he could make it good for them._

* * *

 

Things go well quickly between Jamie and Barry, over a few drinks.

Once Jamie confirms that’s it’s less a ‘two friends getting drinks together because everyone else flaked’ and more a ‘I really like you and if this could be a date that would be great’ Barry can’t stop what he assumes is a stupid grin. Jamie doesn’t complain.

“I’m glad, Jay,” Barry says, his voice earnest. “I mean, I kind of hoped that this was that but I didn’t want to say it unless you were thinking it.”

Jamie nods with a gentle laugh. “I know, honestly, I was worried that you wouldn’t be interested, but here we are.”

A moment of silence passes before Barry nods. “Here we are,” he confirms.

“Want to come back to mine?” It’s later by the time Jamie asks that, a question that takes a bit more conversation and confirmation from Barry that he’s interested. It’s not usual of Jamie to offer, but there’s something about the way Barry keeps taking his hands in his own, the smile on his face that flashes suggestively for a second.

“I don’t see why not.”

And like that, they’re off, Jamie reaching to hold Barry’s hand as they walk, stopping to make out a few times along the way. Jamie can’t resist reaching down to grab Barry’s arse, Barry gasping into his mouth in response.

“God Jamie,” Barry says. “Wait ‘til we’re back at yours at least.”

Jamie drops his hand, retaking Barry’s hand in his own. “It’s less than five minutes away.”

“Good,” Barry replies with a laugh.

Jamie was right, and he’s unlocking the door to his apartment after another three minutes of walking. They hurry into Jamie’s bedroom, neither of them able to keep their hands off each other anymore. Barry straddles Jamie, arms wrapped around him, as he sits on his bed, letting Jamie press kisses and nips into his neck and collarbones, hoping that Jamie leaves a mark that’ll stick around.

“Want me to suck you off?” Barry offers, sensing what Jamie’s answer is going to be from the sharp exhale that he feels against his neck.

“Barry, fuck, I mean, yeah.”

There’s an awkward moment as Barry lifts himself from Jamie’s lap, using one hand against Jamie’s shoulder to steady himself but still almost tripping over as he lowers himself to the floor. As soon as his cock is in Barry’s mouth, Jamie’s brain just about stops functioning. It’s not that he’d put a lot of thought into how good he assumed his friends were at blow jobs, but this was next level, even if he had expected Barry to be good at it.

Jamie grips tight to his sheets, his knuckles white, Barry drawing noises from him that he wasn’t even aware that he could make.

“God, fuck,” he says breathlessly, bringing Barry to look up at him. Now that’s a picture and a half. “Fuuuck B-ba-” Jamie’s just about incapable of getting a word out straight.

Barry draws back, doing something absolutely sinful to the head of Jamie’s cock as he does.

“ ‘s alright, Jay,” he says. “You can say Ben if you want.”

That’s enough of a non-sequitur in Jamie’s eyes to snap him out of it, bring his head down from the clouds and back to the present moment.

“Wait, what? What do you mean Baz?”

Barry looks at Jamie properly, seeing the look of confusion on his face, and scrambles for an explanation that makes sense.

“I mean, I know I’ve got one of those faces,” Barry says with a shrug. “I’m easy to mistake for someone else, or, like, it’s easy to pretend that I’m someone else.”

* * *

_Barry thinks things are going well between him and Trevor. He hasn’t given Barry any reasons to assume otherwise, and Barry’s happy. It’s not hard to make Barry happy, but a relationship where he can go from being curled up against his boyfriend’s shoulder watching telly to some of the most passionate sex he’s ever had, all the while Trevor calling him pet names that make Barry weak at the knees - that’s an extra special relationship in his books._

_“My gem,” Trevor will say, running his thumb over Barry’s lips before pulling him in for a kiss._

_That’s his favourite to use, calling Barry darling gem, his gem, blaming it on his bright blue eyes or flashing smile. It’s a lie, Barry finds out._

_It’s odd - Barry doesn’t think he’s someone particularly bothered by social media, not particularly nosy about it, but when he finds the Instagram account of a friend of Trevor’s, he can’t help but look through it. Something between boredom and curiosity powering him, he scrolls through photos, absentmindedly for the most part until he sees one of Trevor, with another man wrapping an arm across his shoulders and planting a kiss on his cheek. Barry never assumed he was Trevor’s first relationship, but Trevor had never mentioned a serious ex, and something about the look between them (he found more pictures after that) said that it was serious. The truly bizarre thing about it is how similar the ex looks - a round face like Barry’s, with round grey blue eyes and dark hair - though Barry hardly knows where to go with that knowledge._

_It takes a few days before Barry finds a way to work it into conversation without it sounding like nosiness or a confrontation. He thanks his lucky stars when Trevor gives him the perfect in, remarking on how Instagram has started recommending some old posts to him._

_“Yeah,” Barry says with a hum and a nod. “Saw some pictures of you on someone else’s account the other day.”_

_“Oh?”_

_“Recommended post feature and all that, you were with a guy, blue eyes, it was at a concert or something?”_

_Trevor gives a slow nod. “Oh, probably my ex.”_

_Barry can’t place what his tone of voice is saying. “You never told me about him?” he asks; it’s not too great an effort to keep his voice nonchalant, but still curious._

_Trevor pauses and looks up at Barry before back down in his lap. “He, uh, I mean, he died. I didn’t know how to bring it up.”_

_Barry pulls him into a hug, Trevor looking like he’s on the verge of losing it altogether._

_"Hey,” he says soothingly, rubbing a hand on Trevor’s back. “Sh, it’s okay, sorry. Wanna talk about it?"_

_Trevor pulls back from Barry and looks him in the eyes before nodding. There’s a seriousness behind them, as though this ex was some big bad secret that Barry is only just in the level of relationship to hear about. Even so, Trevor doesn’t start speaking immediately, leaving Barry to prompt him._

_"What was his name?"_

_Trevor pauses and takes a deep breath before answering. “Jem, I mean, his name was Jeremy. But I called him Jem.”_

_The connection between ‘Jem’ and ‘gem’ takes Barry all of five seconds. At first Barry is stunned, maybe a little angry too, it’s worse than being a rebound, he figures. But after a moment he doesn’t feel like he has a right to be angry at all. He’s not the one having to deal with a dead ex in his 20s, he has no idea what that’s like, so all he does is nods._

_“I’m sorry,” he says._

_In retrospect there were all sorts of things he could have said; ‘do you actually just call me by your dead boyfriend’s name?’, ‘do you even like me?’, or even just ‘did you pick me because I looked like him?’. He knows that two of those answers are yes and he doesn’t want to know what the other would be. It all seems so deliberate now, like Trevor’s constructed a story for himself and Barry’s just playing a part for him._

_But, when Trevor looks at him, pleading apologetic eyes, and just says, “Please, stay,” Barry can’t say no. So he stays. Because Trevor seems to genuinely like Barry, or what Barry means to him, and Barry isn’t about to break up with someone who seems happy to have him there._

_So what if he never stops calling him gem, no, if he never stops calling him Jem. Barry doesn’t mind, if it means Trevor will keep smiling. That’s what gets him when it comes to Jamie. If someone like Trevor, who was sweet and charming but not always as affectionate, broke up with Barry when he realised he couldn’t treat him like who he was replacing, why would Jamie want anything less? ‘Anything less’ being Barry himself. Barry feels convinced from most relationships that he’s less than, that Barry himself isn’t worth it, so why would Jamie, handsome, dad joke telling, always grinning Jamie, want someone like Barry?_

* * *

At first Jamie’s face is one of sheer confusion, trying to grapple with what Barry is saying. Why would Barry being easy to mistake for someone else - which Jamie disagrees with at a base concept, Barry is too unique for that - matter, especially now.

“Why on earth would you think that I want Ben? I’m literally hooking up with you right now.”

Jamie’s incredulous voice seems to concern Barry, he rocks backwards so he’s half sitting down half kneeling, still looking up at Jamie.

“I’m sorry, Jay,” he says. “I just figured you two could have had something, or you mighta had something for him or whatever.”

“Why would you assume _that_?”

Any action that was going to happen is clearly stopped, and Jamie’s face is still incredulous, confused, but also with a trace of concern that Barry feels completely unprepared for and undeserving of.

"I guess it’s what I’m used to?" Barry replies with a shrug.

From that explanation, Jamie still doesn’t understand.

“Used to? Are you used to people being with you as a ... substitute?”

Barry finds himself nodding - that seems the most true answer at least. It’s something about the way Jamie says it, something about the concern in his voice and the compassion behind it. It shouldn’t matter anyway, Barry tries to tell himself, he tries to not get worked up over it, but his eyes feel wet, as though he’s about to cry, which is the last thing he wants out of the situation.

Jamie pulls Barry up to the bed to sit beside him, drawing Barry into a hug, though Barry keeps his body stiff, as though doing that will be able to keep the waterfall of emotions he’s having away. He’s not a guy who gets emotional about this, that isn’t who Barry wants to be. Jamie, with his arms holding Barry close, can feel how Barry’s breathing is just getting more and more measured, as though controlling that means he can control how odd it feels to have someone care like this.

“Barry, let me make this clear: I fucking want you. Not someone who looks like _you_. Not someone who you assume I want. You. I’ve wanted you for so long and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner because clearly someone else made you feel like shit and right now I’m about ready to beat their ass for it.”

Barry gives a watery laugh, and Jamie’s embrace gets a bit tighter. The pressure soothes Barry; just makes him feel just that little bit safer.

“Do you know how long it took me to gather the nerve to ask you out? God, I think I sent Mike about 3 dozen texts whining about how you could have any guy you wanted so why would you want a bum like me?”

“You’re not-”

“And neither are you! You are... amazing. I wish there were a more accurate word, but I can’t think of one. You are simply the most attractive, sweetest, kindest person-”

“I’m a pain in the ass.”

“Occasionally, but so am I, and I like that we can be pains in the asses together.”

Jamie continues to talk, rambling about how Barry and him are a good fit, or at least he hopes so, and he certainly wants to give it a try with them both clear that they want each other. The talk soothes Barry, who starts to hold onto Jamie, his arms wrapped loosely around his shoulders. Barry can’t form words properly because it’s hitting him that what he thought was a pipe dream he could live out while Jamie pined after someone else is real, and someone who he wants so badly wants him back and actually wants _him_ and the real him.

They end up sat on Jamie’s couch, Barry leaning on Jamie, each of them with a cup of tea in their hands. Jamie chances the silence, wanting to understand better what Barry’s been through.

"So who was he?" Jamie asks, his words carefully measured.

“Who?" Barry turns his head slightly to look at Jamie.

"Whoever it was, who just used you as a replacement?"

Barry’s facial expression at that falls into one that Jamie never wants to see again, a look absolute hopelessness as he forces a smile but can’t look Jamie in the eyes properly.

"Wasn't just one person," he mumbles.

Normally Jamie is good at catching what Barry says no matter what - no need for the Barry mumbling translator - but this is harder.

"Sorry Baz, what was that?"

Barry takes a breath, bracing himself before he speaks because he knows Jamie is going to react and he doesn’t know what it’s going to be.

“It wasn't just one ‘someone’. It was a few different people who wanted their someone and ended up with me instead."

Barry’s tone shows how deep it goes, how convinced he's become that he should be a second choice - how he sees it, as though anyone who has ever been with him ‘ended up’ with him as a last resort. And Jamie feels sick to his stomach because he never knew this. Barry is one of his closest mates, and he never knew that he was being treated like absolute garbage.

“Christ, Baz,” Jamie mutters. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s my fault I never fucking noticed!” Jamie blurts out.

"Jay, it's not, it never was your job to notice that shit."

Barry tries to dismiss it, and honestly? He feels guilty. Like he's dragging Jamie into the fucked up lies that he had been living in past relationships. Jamie must think of him as so desperate, willing to put up with being a replacement in exchange for a good shag.

"I wish I had though, seriously Barry," Jamie says. "I wish I could have prevented people from making you think you deserved that."

Even though logically Barry knows it's standard -- most people would agree you deserve to be in a relationship where someone _wants_ the relationship with you, not someone who you're similar to -- hearing it from Jamie is something else. It’s something to do with it being Jamie and Jamie apparently wanting Barry back. As chill as Barry had been to be whoever anyone wanted him to be before, out of anyone, Jamie deserves whoever he wants. Barry feels lucky that Jamie’s saying it’s him.

* * *

Barry struggles to fall out of his old patterns at first, fears sneaking in that Jamie’s made a mistake, that he needs to change to keep him around. Jamie notices how willing Barry is to do anything at his suggestion, anything to make him happy, no matter how Barry himself feels about it. It’s not hard for Jamie to take it into account once he realises though, taking things slower than he normally would in a relationship, but making sure that anything that happens is for Barry as much as it’s for himself.

Jamie makes things easier by making a game out of it.

“Tell me what you want, Baz,” he murmurs as he kisses down his neck

“Whatever you want.”

Barry’s leaning into his touch, but Jamie stops.

“I’m not doing anything until you tell me what you want. What you really want.”

Jamie speaks with such a serious tone, but when he sees the smile crack on Barry’s face he laughs a little. Barry finds it easier to work through it by not taking it too seriously, and the way Jamie shows he cares without being too cheesy about it suits him just fine.

And Jamie’s more than happy to follow Barry’s tentative requests, kissing at his neck while rubbing one of his nipples with one thumb, murmuring breathy praise against his skin.

“You’re so good, Baz,” Jamie says. “So handsome, no, not just handsome, you’re so pretty - and so responsive.”

On his last word, Jamie pinches Barry’s nipple, and bites into his neck, gently, just enough that Barry feels it. It’s obvious Barry feels it from his gasp and the whine of “Jay, Jay please,” that follows.

Barry finds it so different, what with his being so used to everything being for someone else’s benefit, not for his own. He’s used to rolling with the - mostly metaphorical - punches and seeing where it goes, but not with Jamie. Jamie wants to see what makes Barry tick, what makes him grin and gasp and call out Jamie’s name in breathy murmurs and his hips stuttering.

Where in the past, Barry only ever felt like he was doing the right thing if his partner got off, Jamie made him feel like the most important thing was to talk, be as loud as he wanted with what he wanted. Early on Barry thinks it’s a bit of an act from Jamie’s side of things, that Jamie thinks it’s his job to coax Barry slowly to normalcy or whatever; it takes Barry an impressively short amount of time to realise this isn’t the case - that Jamie really is itching to see just what it is that Barry wants.

It’s not just the intimate moments though, for Jamie, it’s important that Barry’s happy to bring up anything. The small things inevitably bring a smile to his face - when Barry picks the movie for the night, or decides where they can go out for dinner.

“Hey Jay,” Barry says over breakfast at Jamie’s house one morning. “I know it’s not your usual weekend scene, but there’s a food market on the weekend, it’s not too far from my place. Anyway, I was looking it up and they’re doing a section for Swiss food and I’d love to go, especially with you. I mean, you don’t need to come if you don’t want to, I’m happy to go on my own, but if you had other weekend plans for us I can do that instea-”

Jamie cuts off Barry’s rambling with a smile and a shake of his head. “Barry, I’d love to go.”

Barry nods, sheepish smile on his face.

And Barry hadn’t been lying; it’s not Jamie’s destination of choice, not necessarily his favourite cuisine, but Jamie hadn’t been lying either. He does love it, seeing Barry’s excited face and unrestrained joy. They hold hands and it’s cheesy and romantic and everything that the two of them want, Barry overjoyed that Jamie is there by his side. Not to say that Jamie isn’t careful, doesn’t reassure Barry that a lot of what he does for him is the norm, that Barry shouldn’t keep his standards at the bare minimum.

“You have to give me a challenge to go above and beyond, c’mon Baz, I like trying to impress you” Jamie says playfully.

“Kiss me.”

“Too easy,” Jamie replies, kissing Barry, soft and chaste at first, but as his hand finds its way around Barry’s waist the kiss widens and Barry leans into it.

* * *

Their first fight is a bad one. Jamie had a family reunion that he was desperate for Barry to come to, and Barry had agreed (as if he’d ever disagree to something Jamie wants to do) without thinking twice. It got too close to the date to cancel when he realised that it was the same day as a concert he was going to with some high school friends, which he’d paid enough money to go to that he couldn’t back out.

Barry’s the first to admit that Jamie has every right to be upset at him. But with Jamie encouraging him to feel comfortable disagreeing, to have comfort voicing what he wants, he decides to bring it up as soon as he realises the problem. It’s a quiet day at work, which makes it easier to have a private moment with Jamie.

“Hey, Jay, can you come up to the loft? Just need a word, it’s nothing major,” Barry’s testing the water with the request, the loft the most private place to have the conversation.

Jamie’s easy going by nature, and he knows that a certain element of care is needed a bit more with Barry than with others he knows, though Barry would be loathe to admit it.

“Your family thing tonight, I, uh, I forgot that I was doing something with some guys from high school and-”

Jamie cuts off Barry’s rambling. “You’ve double booked yourself?”

Barry nods apologetically, his mind halfway between dropping any ground he had and apologising to Jamie, cancelling on his friends just to make things right, and running, not without apologising properly to Jamie, but apologising for the whole thing, and the waste of Jamie’s time, and not risking leaving the next move to Jamie.

Jamie’s face isn’t a pleasant one. Barry knows logically Jamie has every right to be frustrated, but he doesn’t know what to do now that it’s happening.

“That’s, Baz, we had this planned for _months_ ,” Jamie says.

Barry just nods in response, feeling like there’s not an apology that would cut it. He feels like Jamie just deserves better, and maybe Jamie’s just starting to realise.

“And you’re sure you can’t cancel?”

“It just took forever to organise it, it’s with guys who’ve moved abroad, I wouldn’t know when it would happen again,” Barry says, instantly ready to be on the defensive.

Jamie opens his mouth as if to speak again and Barry is ready, in that moment he’s ready for whatever Jamie has to throw at him. He’s tossing up between grovelling or fighting back against whatever Jamie has to say when Jamie just sighs.

“I can’t do this shit right now, Baz,” he says. “I’m gonna go for a walk, I just… I was looking forward to it and it fucking sucks that you’re not gonna be there.”

And like that, Jamie is walking down the stairs of the loft and walking out.

“Coffee break,” he says as way of an explanation to the others as he walks out the studio door.

Barry doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what to think. His anxiety had been on and off lately, and Jamie not even being able to talk to him flips the switch all the way to on. He’s panicked in a way that he didn’t used to get in relationship, in a way that reminds him how much it will devastate him if this is it for him and Jamie.

By the time Ben notices that Barry is still in the loft, Barry is crouched in the bean bag, just about incoherent. That’s how Ben finds him, tries to reassure him, though out of the group of them, as much as he’s good at noticing emotions, Ben can’t always handle a crisis situation, which this clearly is. Ben of all people, though, can recognise a panic attack. He rests a hand on Barry’s shoulder, trying to help ground him, though Barry barely reacts to the touch, and quickly texts James. James tends to keep a level head about these things, while being comforting enough about it.

“Hey, Baz, what happened?” James finishes the sentence by looking up at Ben, whose face reads absolute cluelessness.

It seems like Barry is trying to reply for a moment, one hand on his chest and the other raking through his hair, but his breathing is too ragged to spit anything out.

“Alright, Barry, don’t talk if you can’t, let’s try taking a breath.”

And like that, James is sat on the bean bag beside Barry, pulling Barry into his chest, taking deliberately deep and slow breaths, encouraging Barry to follow his lead. Soon Barry is sandwiched between Mike and James on the beanbag, James stroking his hair and encouraging him to keep matching his breaths. When Barry’s hands begin to fidget, picking at loose skin around his cuticles and scratching at his hands, Mike takes Barry’s hands in his own.

Even as Barry’s breathing calms, ever so slightly at a time, his mumbling and shaky words aren’t coherent. Ben is pacing the loft, not bothering to hide the anger on his face. Sure, he might not know exactly what happened, but Jamie storming out of the studio leaving Barry in a state like this is inexcusable in Ben’s eyes. Whatever happened, it’s bad.

Ben doesn’t even trust himself to be the one to tell Jamie to return, his hands shaking with anger at seeing Barry like this. Even when they were in high school together and Barry got panic attacks over bad grades and assignments, sixth form entrance and the like, it never got this bad. None of them have ever seen Barry panic this badly before.

It’s Mike who texts Jamie, still holding Barry’s hands with his left hand, using his right to tap out a message.

_Jamie. You need to get back here now._

James continues to card his fingers through Barry’s hair, the closest Barry gets to a coherent sentence being repetitions of Jamie’s name intermingled with “Fuck, fucked up, God”. It doesn’t take long before Mike’s phone buzzes in his hand with a reply.

_?can this wait_

_No. Fucking get here now._

Even Mike’s face as he sends the text has a bit of anger.

Jamie hadn’t realised how dire the situation had been when he’d left the studio, but when he sees the four of them in the loft, he puts it together quickly. He almost wants to hit himself for not realising how badly Barry could take the disagreement. He starts to walk up the stairs to the loft when Ben walks down.

“Jamie, we need to talk,” Ben says.

Barry doesn’t even register Jamie’s arrival, and the most acknowledgement he gets from the other two is a glare from James that embodies the concept of looks being able to kill. Jamie takes a breath and nods. There’s no good way to have this conversation - no way to have it at all, really. The reasons behind Barry reacting like this make sense to Jamie, he understands Barry taking it harshly, but the others don’t know those reasons, and it sure as hell isn’t Jamie’s place to explain it.

“What _happened_?” Ben asks pointedly.

If it were a cartoon, there may as well be smoke coming out of his ears. Jamie knows that Ben is protective of his friends, and he knows how it must look, but to be on the receiving end of Ben’s anger is something else entirely.

“We got into a fight-” Jamie starts, his brain racking the words for how to explain, though he doesn’t get any further before Ben interrupts him.

“Jamie, what the hell did you do!?”

“We bickered! Couples bicker!”

“That,” Ben points up the stairs, in Barry’s direction, “is not from bickering! What. Did. You. Do. Jamie.” It’s not even a question, it’s words spat out at him with such protective rage.

“Ben, it was… it was our first fight,” Jamie says slowly. “I, I mean, it’s not something I can explain in full. It’s stuff… I mean, if Barry wants you to know he can tell you, it’s just not my business to. Please, just, let me speak to him, I’ll fix this.”

The look on Ben’s face doesn’t soften and as the pair look at each other, for a moment, Jamie thinks Ben is just going to tell him to leave. Instead, Ben turns, walking up the stairs, Jamie hesitantly following.

“Mike, James, just… let’s give them a minute, okay?”

They're both hesitant to get up - they don't want to leave Barry alone in this state and they still have no full idea what's going on, but Barry rouses slightly and lifts his head from James' lap. His breath is still erratic and his face is flushed (no one comments on his red eyes - he looks about ready to start weeping), but he sits up and gives Mike and James an attempt of a nod.

“ ‘s okay,” he mumbles.

Though Mike and James are still uncertain, they get up and go with Ben downstairs, to give Jamie and Barry their space. Jamie sits on the ground across from Barry, not too close, trying not to invade Barry’s space, but close enough to take his hand if Barry would let him. He looks at Barry carefully, not sure what to say, grateful when Barry is the one who breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry,” Barry says.

“Barry-” Jamie interrupts, shaking his head.

“I am. I am so sorry I promise I can be there for at least a bit. I’ll work something out or cancel-”

“Barry, please don’t apologise.”

“Just... just please give me another chance.” Barry’s words come out too fast and too high pitched and he’s picking at his fingernail beds.

“Barry,” Jamie says, more strongly. He tries to keep his voice as a reasonable volume but he needs Barry’s attention. “Barry, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have... stormed out like that. I was upset, okay, but... I didn’t react right. That’s not your fault.”

Barry shakes his head. “You asked me to come with you and I forgot.”

“It happens. It’s really not a big deal.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not!” Jamie insists. “I over reacted. Like I usually do. You know this.”

Barry is still shaking his head and the tears that were threatening to fall earlier are back with a vengeance.

“You should just leave me.”

"Barry, I don't want to. I don't want this to be it between us. Sure, I'd have loved for you to have come, but that's gone now. It's over and you don't need to beat yourself up over it."

"You don't deserve someone who forgets like this though," Barry says emphatically. "I want to be better for you, Jay, I really do, but what if I'm just too fucked up?"

"You're not," Jamie says, shaking his head gently. "I promise, you're not too fucked up or fucked up at all in any way that's a negative to me. I just wish you could see that."

Jamie reaches a hand forward and tentatively touches Barry’s hand. He feels relief wash over him as Barry turns his hand and clasps their hands together.

“I’ll be better,” Barry says firmly.

“And I’ll keep telling you that you don’t have to be,” Jamie replies. “I want you just as you are.”

Barry raises his head and finally looks at Jamie. Jamie hates that Barry is going through this, hates that Barry can’t see everything good about himself that Jamie is just crazy about. That’s the thing - he’s crazy about this man. As Jamie sees it, he’s the luckiest man on earth to be with him.

Jamie reaches a hand out and cups the back of Barry’s head, pulling him forward until their foreheads are pressed together, as if trying to communicate what he’s feeling by holding Barry as close as possible.

That helps Barry to start to calm down properly, his eyes closed but feeling Jamie's hand on the back of his head and Jamie's forehead against his own remind him that he's there. To Barry, it feels a miracle that despite everything, Jamie’s still there.

“The guys are worried about you,” Jamie says.

Barry nods as much as he can without shifting his head too far from Jamie’s.

“I’ll let them know I’m alright.”

“Baz,” Jamie starts. “I didn’t say anything about... your past. I know that that’s why this hit you so hard, but I didn’t want to say anything. I’m not saying you have to. But the guys are thinking the worst about what happened between us right now.”

Barry raises his head.

“If you don’t want to say anything, that’s up to you,” Jamie says.

Barry looks up, down at the ground level of the studio, where the other three stand. They’re giving respectful space, but at the same time are so clearly ready to step in if needed. Barry has an awful realisation that without _knowing_ why he reacted so strongly to his and Jamie’s disagreement, they’re going to be assuming all sorts. He’s grateful to Jamie, for not saying anything, but he doesn’t want them going around thinking Jamie is capable of all that.

Barry gets to his feet, Jamie helping him up and walks down from the loft to the others. Jamie is watching what happens, though he stays up in the loft, not wanting to seem like he’s pressuring Barry into it, giving Barry the space to stop if he changes his mind about telling the others. Jamie can’t hear what Barry is saying, the combination of too quiet too far away.

James still looks concerned as Barry speaks, and Mike’s eyes keep darting to Jamie and back. Jamie sees James give a slight not and Mike pull Barry into a hug. They break apart and Barry hugs James as well, Jamie hearing a quiet “thank you” from Barry.

Ben still seems worried, looking at Barry with furrowed eyebrows and biting his lip.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Jamie can just make out Ben’s question, to which Barry nods, pulling Ben into a hug.

* * *

_Barry can tell, when it’s early days between them, that Jamie is on edge. Not in a bad way, or in a negative way, but after a while he realises how cautious Jamie is, and how ready he is to be reassuring when need be. Jamie doesn’t like how Barry is so scared of the whole thing falling apart, though he realises slowly how ingrained it has become in Barry to follow the lead._

_It comes up when they’re together, chaste kisses becoming more intimate as Jamie holds Barry close. It doesn’t take Jamie long to notice Barry’s hesitance, how Barry is sitting still for him, leaning into Jamie’s touches, sure, but hardly engaged. He quickly pulls away from Barry, to Barry’s confusion. Jamie looks at Barry, trying to read his face as Barry puts two and two together, taking the lead now as he kisses where Jamie’s jaw meets his neck and runs a hand down Jamie’s arm. Jamie’s arm lifts up as Jamie shakes his head, resting his hand on Barry’s to pause him._

_"Baz?” Jamie asks hesitantly. “Are you doing this for me or yourself?"_

_That catches Barry off guard, and what hits him first is a feeling of guilt. “I mean, I thought, I assumed that that’s what you wanted?" “_

_Not if you don't want to. I’m more than happy to just be here with you,” Jamie assures him with a nod._

_Another thing Jamie realises quickly is how much Barry likes physical contact. Not just passing touches and chaste kisses and pets of the hair that Barry jokingly rolls his eyes at but so clearly loves, but also just being held. More often than not their date nights will reach a point where they lie on the couch together, a movie neither of them care that much about playing in the background as Barry finds himself lying across Jamie, or in his lap, or just about on top of him, one hand holding one of Jamie’s. Jamie’s spare hand will wrap around Barry, holding his shoulders or chest, or combing his fingers through Barry’s hair to soothe him._

_It’s not necessarily easy at first, with Barry so used to any and all physical affection being for someone else’s sake; he’s not used to being the priority, and Jamie can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to prioritise Barry. Jamie doesn’t just go for soft intimacy, as nice as that is._

_But when it’s been a long day at work, Barry staying back late to edit, his eyes squinting from the glare of looking at a screen for far too long, Jamie wants to do what he can to help. As Barry stretches his arms out, or attempts to, for what feels like the dozenth time in a few minutes, Jamie comes over behind him. Barry feels Jamie’s hands settle on his shoulders before starting to massage them, Barry pauses from intermittently clicking at his mouse to shrug Jamie’s hands off._

_“_ _You don’t have to do that,” Barry says. “I know I complain, sorry, I’ll cut it out, I should know better.”_

_Jamie pauses, doesn’t put his hands back on Barry’s shoulders but stoops down to make eye contact with him._

_“I’d like to help you feel better,” he says. “If that’s okay with you?”_

_It hits Barry so hard in that moment, how unlike Jamie is to anyone he’s been with before, and he almost laughs. Instead, though, he nods._

_“Yeah, Jay,” he says with a sheepish voice. “That’s okay.”_

_Moments like that are what inform Jamie to how touch starved Barry is; how he fills a weird middle ground of ready for any and all physical contact to be for Jamie’s sake, and taking a step back and not voicing it when Barry wants it for himself. It isn’t hard for Jamie to notice the touch starvation that Barry has, and all it does is make Jamie want to hold Barry, see the contented smile on his face from the comfort of Jamie’s arms._

_In the early days for the two of them, they’re lying in bed, Barry’s head on Jamie’s chest, in a half asleep blissful state. Jamie brings his hands to Barry head, wrapping a curl loosely around his finger and stroking Barry’s hair behind his ear with his other hand. He pauses when he feels Barry’s muscles tense up._

_“Baz, do you want me to stop?”_

_Barry pauses. It’s new to him. Feeling Jamie’s hands in his hair, anyone’s hands in his hair, they bring thoughts to his mind of guys using his hair as something to grab onto and pull hard, which couldn’t be further from Jamie’s MO. It’s just something Barry needs to adjust to, and he’s more than happy to._

_“No,” he says after a moment of silence. “It’s just different.” “_

_Not different bad?” Jamie asks, ever ready to err on the side of caution._

_“Different good, Jay. Trust me,” Barry says. “It’s soft.”_

_Barry feels Jamie let out a soft exhale, a silent laugh with a smile on Jamie’s face that he can’t see but can picture so well._

_“_ _Soft’s good.” And Barry can hear the smile in Jamie’s tone of voice and hopes that Jamie can sense that Barry’s face is displaying something similar._

* * *

 

Barry and Jamie are together one day, gone out for a coffee run during the work day, making a point to curse out whoever it was who forgot to buy grinds for their machine at the studio. Okay, so what if the pair do take advantage of it, walking a bit further than necessary to go to a favourite cafe of theirs. Jamie can tell straight away something’s wrong when they’re just down the road from it and Barry sees someone on the street, and freezes where he’s standing.

The other man there seems to notice Barry just as quickly, but is smiling, his face so friendly you could mistake it for genuine.

“Barry, are you okay?” Jamie asks, his voice hushed.

Barry doesn’t have a chance to reply before the guy walks over.“Hey, Baz,” he says, and Jamie doesn’t know why it feels so wrong to hear this stranger call Barry that. “Long time no see.”

The sweetness and kindness in his voice seem so fake compared to how stiff Barry has gotten all of a sudden. He wants to scream, to tell him to fuck off, but he’s with Jamie and he can’t do any of that. Luckily it’s Jamie who breaks the silence.

“Hi, I'm Jamie, Barry’s boyfriend.”

It’s a comfort, to say the least, that Jamie speaks. Barry feels reassured, and he knows that Jamie’s there for him, and Jamie making that clear right off the bat has his shoulders untensing. That doesn’t last for long though, when Barry sees the filthy look the guy gives Jamie in response, and Barry can’t bite his tongue any longer.

“What the fuck do you want, Brent?” he snaps.

Jamie is wary too now, he knows enough about Barry’s past to have some idea of the sort of people who’d been in it, but has no idea who it is in particular.

“I’m ... saying hi to an old friend,” Brent’s voice sounds sly, almost cartoon villain slimy and Barry can’t tell if he’s making it up as he hears it.

“We weren’t friends.”

“My ex boyfriend, then.”

It’s not a groundbreaking, jaw dropping statement, but for a moment, there’s no way for anyone to reply.

* * *

_The guy who’d called Barry his ‘gem’, he wasn’t the first. He was the first relationship proper, but before then is high school._

_It’s their sixth form dance coming up, and Barry wants to bring a date. He doesn’t think it’s unfair, really, to want to bring someone, even if he’s not dating at the time per se, or with girls falling over for him to ask them out. He ends up asking a girl from his form, and she agrees enthusiastically - sure, Barry knows damn well she likes some other guy in their year with grey eyes and a round face, but Barry’s just thrilled to get the yes as a response._

_He doesn’t really mind being a placeholder too badly. As long as they want him, or want him to fill a role for them. Isn’t acting like they want him just as good as the real thing? He figures as much anyway. And so what if sometimes he has to change a little, let them call him just Baz, or B, or their gem, he can deal with that. It only leads to trouble when he questions it, asking why someone only ever calls him Taylor leads to a conversation leads to a break up leads to being alone. So he learns to leave it._

_Brent is different - bitter and resentful from a past relationship that ended with him getting cheated on. Barry sees it as an easy thing to be better than; he’s not the kind of bastard who’d cheat on someone, and he’s willing to do anything to prove as much. The way that Brent seems to use Barry as a surrogate is odd though, making passing references as though Barry has cheated on him already, like it’s an event in the past that he can hold against him. It happens twice in bed before Barry brings it up._

_In retrospect once should have been enough. Brent brushed it off though_ “It’s just a fantasy, Baz, c’mon, it makes it more interesting” _. Barry’s not familiar enough with the kink scene at the time, so with Brent brushing it off as something between roleplay and a fantasy of his, something to play out, nothing to do with his past, Barry puts up with it._

_It takes until he wakes up crying - Brent wakes up before him, leaves him alone in the mornings - before Barry realises how much he hates it. Hates being called names as though he’s done something to deserve it, being told how worthless he is - and he knows he’s worthless without being told it. He doesn’t need Brent to use things that didn’t happen to degrade him, but it just adds to it. If he didn’t feel like Brent was as good as he was going to get, Barry would have left him. But as Barry sees it, he’s worthless, he’s a mess, and Brent’s some hot guy who’s more than happy to keep him around and fuck him - what more can he ask for?_

_Brent is the one who breaks up with Barry in the end, pinning it on Barry being shit in bed of all things, and after the initial shock, initial heartache and loneliness sinking in again, Barry’s relieved. It feels like the end of a chapter in his life before he knows what the next one is though; Barry can’t help but worry that if Brent of all people decided he could do better than Barry, it’s hard for Barry to imagine someone settling for him._

_He dates a bit after Brent, but that’s really when he starts falling into the habit of one night stands and regrettable hookups. The most significant person to come after Brent is Jamie, when it comes down to it._

* * *

Jamie’s face drops as the pieces start to click together, as he thinks back to stories Barry’s told him of exes and bad stories and realises who it is. Barry reacts faster, and Jamie doesn’t have time to do anything before Barry starts speaking.

“Ex boyfriend? You mean the guy who you used to work out all of your sexual frustration on after another failed relationship? The guy who you got off on pretending I was the ex who cheated on you? Or maybe the guy who hated being touched by you. That’s what you should be thinking of me as.”

Barry is shouting by the time he finishes his rant, he knows he is, but it hardly feels unfair. How _dare_ this person think they’re better than Jamie? Brent can’t hold a candle to him, and yet everything about his face before Barry had started yelling said he still thought he was superior. Brent looks like he’s seen a ghost now - a side of Barry that Barry had stifled well while they’d been together, and he isn’t given a chance to react before Jamie takes a step forward. It's a slow step, not coming as a surprise, but still a blatant threat. The serenity on his face broadcasts a look that makes Jamie seem scarier than he normally can.

“I think it’d be best if you left,” Jamie says.

He’s shorter than Brent but there’s no mistaking that if it came down to it, he could take Brent down. That doesn’t seem to stop Brent considering it for a moment, glancing from Jamie’s face back to Barry’s and then back at Jamie’s, a fist forming at his side.

“You think you’re real tough, don’t you, Baz?” Brent asks. “Hiding behind a new boyfriend? Bet you love that - never could look after yourself, could you?”

Jamie can’t stand it, Brent talking to Barry as though he knows him so well. He’s one split second of poor judgement away from punching him square in the jaw. When Brent hits the floor, nursing his face, Jamie looks down at his own hands for a second, confused as to whether he had just hit him without realising, until he hears Barry exclaim.

“Fuck!”

Barry is holding a hand to his chest, rubbing the other over his knuckles. Jamie can’t bring himself to offer a hand to help Brent off the floor; the man certainly doesn’t deserve it, no matter how kind Jamie wants to be in general. Instead, he wraps an arm around Barry’s shoulders, pulling him in close.

“Barry is tough, he’s strong and smart and so much better than you,” he says. “He can look after himself just fine, as he’s shown you.” Jamie turns to walk back the way they came, taking the hand he hit Brent with between his own. “You’re alright, yeah, Barry?”

“A bit shaken up.”

Jamie nods with a hum. “Let’s find a coffee shop closer to the studio, we can sit down for a bit.”

They don’t bother looking back to see Brent pull himself up to his feet, walking off like a dog with its tail between its legs. That doesn’t matter to Jamie or Barry. As they walk, Jamie takes Barry’s injured hand - skin broken where he managed to hit Brent’s teeth (“You really don’t know how to throw a punch, do you Barry?” “I’ve never _needed_ to before.”) and reddened skin starting to bruise - in his own.

“Reckon we could just grab some instant coffee on our way back to the studio?” Barry asks. “Think I might need to ice my hand sooner rather than later.”

Jamie resists the urge to point out that Barry’s poor fighting skills shouldn’t mean poor coffee quality for the rest of them. He’d hate to see Barry in more pain than he’d already put himself in anyway. When they walk back into the studio the others seem to look a bit confused for a moment - it took longer than expected, and Barry and Jamie return with instant coffee instead off the expected takeaway cups, but Jamie gives a quick ‘don’t ask, we’re not talking about this right now’ look.

“You alright, love?” he asks as he walks Barry down to the couch. “I’ll be back in a sec, just gonna make us some coffee.”

Barry nods in the affirmative, reminding Jamie to grab ice in a hushed voice in the hopes of the others not hearing. While he’s sure he won’t mind joking about it later, for now all he wants is a cup of coffee and an ice pack, and Jamie with him of course. Jamie returns, ice pack under his arm and a mug of coffee in each hand, setting them down on the coffee table next to the couch and taking a seat next to Barry.

“You’re feeling alright?” Jamie’s voice is concern mixed with compassion.

“It was weird. I never thought I’d see him again. Especially not like that,” Barry says as Jamie takes his hand and presses the ice pack onto it. “I’m glad you were there though. Don’t think I could have handled him on my own.”

“You’re the one who _did_ handle him,” Jamie quips with a chuckle. “But I’m glad my being there helped.”

“It did.” Barry leans close to Jamie, taking one of the mugs of coffee in his good hand and blowing on it before taking a sip. “It does.”

None of the others at the studio comment on the two just about taking the afternoon off - Jamie gets his laptop after a while and replies to some emails, Barry still leaning against his shoulder, mucking around with his tablet with the pretense of figuring out thumbnails and promo shots - it’s obvious they need it. Barry swats Jamie’s hands away half heartedly every time he goes to check on Barry’s injured hand - though it’s hardly serious anyway.

“I’m checking because I care,” Jamie says.

“I love that about you,” Barry replies. “But I promise, I’ll be fine.”

“Oh well, if you _promise_ -”

Barry shuts him up with a kiss pressed to his lips, the cheeky grin on his face as he pulls away distracting Jamie enough to keep him from finishing his retort.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this more than ever is only coming thanks to the sorted discord, where Sarah wrote just about half of it when i came up with the idea, and Niko beta'd it and removed some frankly Embarrassing grammar errors and made it make sense. so this wouldnt exist without that or me complaining abt it every other day for the last Literal Actual Month  
> title from cry for judas by the mountain goats bc idk energy + im like that


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